In this blog, we will hear from Huck Talwar (he/him). Huck is a Youth Program Specialist here at Youth MOVE National. We are honored to share Huck’s voice with you all!
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Before reading, we want to acknowledge that this blog contains personal experiences and discussions of eating disorders and self-harm. If you or someone you know is struggling, you can call or online chat with:
- Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: (888) 375-7767
- National Alliance for Eating Disorders: (866) 662-1235
- National Eating Disorders Association: (800) 931-2237 or Text “NEDA” to 741741
- Chat Online by visiting – 988lifeline.org/chat
- Call or Text 988
- The Lifeline is a 24-hour toll-free phone line for people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. An online chat option is available. *Please note that The Lifeline recommends crisis counselors contact emergency services (911, police, sheriff) for assistance only in cases where risk of harm to self or others is imminent or in progress and when a less invasive plan for the caller/texter’s safety cannot be collaborated on with the individual.
Please consider your emotional well-being before reading further. We encourage all our Youth MOVErs to put their mental well-being first. You are not alone, and there is help and hope available.
I have been living with an eating disorder for 23 years, and have been in eating disorder recovery for 12+ years. As with a lot of eating disorders, my diagnosis has changed multiple times, from Anorexia Nervosa to Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) to Bulimia Nervosa to Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder (OSFED) to Atypical Anorexia. The eating disorder that I have has taken a toll on my life, ranging from damaging interpersonal relationships to malnourishment during my formative years that has cut years off of my life. I fully believe that eating disorders do not get the recognition that they need in order to begin the healing process.
During the peak of my eating disorder symptoms, I was starving myself for days on end and eating things like celery with mustard to limit caloric intake. I ate no more than eight calories per day (I would eat four tic-tacs at two calories a piece as my meals–one per meal). I was over-exercising to the extent that it went on for 10-12 hours a day and I was skipping college classes to run laps around a Walmart Supercenter parking lot. I have self-harmed for years. I have attempted to take my life on more occasions than I care to admit. My mood was low, I lost all my friends, my family was scared of and for me, I was failing my college courses, and I was depressed more than I could imagine I ever could be, until one day my mother put her foot down and said to me, “If you don’t get help for your eating disorder, you are no longer welcome in my home.” I know she didn’t say it to be rude or even out of frustration, but rather to give me motivation to get better and take my life back from the eating disorder that stole it.
Getting treatment was difficult, especially as a disabled, neurodivergent, transgender person of color. A lot of people I met in the “adult crisis unit” told me I didn’t deserve to get help because I’m not American (by the way, I was born in Virginia; I am American–with colored skin). Once they caught on to the fact that I wasn’t eating, I was transferred to the eating disorders unit at Sheppard Pratt, where everyone told me I was worthy of treatment and recovery. I have since been hospitalized over 15 times for my eating disorder in various levels of care.
Without the peers in that unit, I would not have been able to work on myself and my life as hard as I have. The people around me who were going through what I was were my biggest cheerleaders. We lifted each other up and supported one another through what I can honestly say is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. They are some of my closest friends. They are my confidants. They are my family. And now, we stay a family. Recovery isn’t always about clinical treatment; it’s about finding connections, building relationships, and acquiring supports and mentorship that can comfort and support you in your recovery/self-healing journey.
After 12 long years, I am finally at a point where I am not acting on any eating disorder symptoms. I have a fiance who loves me for me. My family can barely stand to stay away from me. My mood has stabilized. I have a job that I love, working with people that I adore. Hell, I’ve even lost a ton of weight the healthy way!
This type of work is not easy; it takes so much time, commitment, energy, effort, and will power. But I can assure you, the work is worth it. I used to hate it when people told me, “Hold on; it gets better,” and now I find myself saying the same thing to a lot of people, as I am proof that the correct treatment and dedication does indeed make things better. I am going to toot my own horn just a little here and say that I am so proud of myself for the way I’ve turned my life around and this is the first time in my 31 years that I actually like myself – fat and all.
I want to stress with the utmost importance that you, your best friend, your mom, your uncle, that kid down the street–everyone is worthy of treatment, recovery, healing, self-determined goals, joy, happiness, understanding, love, and so much more. Please take care and be safe. Your life matters.
Recently, Huck has worked with the Youth MOVE National team to create a new Issue Brief for the Youth MOVE National Peer Center – Exploring Eating Disorders Among Youth & Young Adults. You can read it by visiting the link below.
