Written by: Huck Talwar (He/Him)
The human condition is filled with learning, aspiration, conflict, emotion, and more. They seem simple written out in singular words, but the complexities of these notions are dependent on circumstance, environment, and self-discovery. Although Pride Month was last month, we at Youth MOVE National will continue to call attention to the experiences that those in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community go through all year. Of course, we cannot speak for the entire community, but to highlight some aspects of the human condition within this community seems most apt as we continue 2024: embracing pride, love, joy, and acceptance all year long!
Sexual Orientation & Gender Identity
There is no timeline, nor rules, about figuring out your sexual orientation and/or gender identity. You don’t have to have a definitive label on yourself, period, and certainly not by any specific age. The pressure of conforming to a label on a timeline usually causes a great deal of anxiety and depression for people second guessing their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. Exploring sexual orientation and gender identity is something that is deeply personal, even vulnerable. It often starts with a hunch. Just an inkling that something might be different.
Picture it: Severna Park, MD. 2003. I am but a wee lass of 10 years and have just started middle school. Most of the friends I have are boys of the same age who have just developed a budding desire to analyze the female form. None of the other girls spend time with them, but I find comfort in the fact that I act, talk, dress, and think like them. I have a best friend, but she doesn’t know I like her more than a friend. I start to wonder if this is normal. Do all women like other women? Maybe it’s a “phase,” as they say, and I’ll get over it next year. I am in denial.
Fast forward to next year: I have a new best friend whom everyone thinks is my girlfriend–but she isn’t. However, she leans into the idea to mess with people. So, we hold hands and kiss every now and then when people are around, and we laugh about the joke afterwards. But it doesn’t feel like a joke to me. I am enthralled. I am enamored. I have fallen and I can’t get up. We spend the school year attached at the hip and summer creates distance, so we grow apart. I am left wondering if it was real. I am left wanting more. I am left utterly alone and confused. I decide to explore my affinity for women, and see where things go.
Really fast forward to my post-college years. I am 24 years old. I wear nothing but sports bras and boxers underneath my clothing. I’ve cut my hair as short as it can be while still passing as female. I’ve stopped shaving my legs and underarms because I like the hair. I am dating a woman whom I’ve been with for five years. One day, I start to question myself. Am I a lesbian woman or a straight man? And this question lingers in my mind for months. I spend months in distress, isolating and speaking minimally, uncomfortable with myself and my body as it feels like it’s not mine. I feel like a fake. A fraud. A disoriented mess of a human that doesn’t belong anywhere. I spend months with a gender therapist, speaking of my body dysphoria, my eating disorder, and the uncomfortability that I feel when my mother makes me dress femininely at family functions.
I finally figure it out: I am a transgender man. I am slightly upset that I won’t be a lesbian anymore, but instead a straight man (I think I just liked the label of “lesbian” because it seems cooler to me than “straight”). I make an appointment with a doctor who diagnoses me with an “endocrine disorder” and prescribes me Testosterone. I recorded myself giving myself the first shot. I still look back at it sometimes, just to see the enormous smile on my face.
Exploring sexual orientation and gender identity is an experience that can be frightening, lonely (without the right support and resources), isolating, confusing, but calming, validating, and relieving at the same time. It’s being scared that you’re different, worried that people you love will judge or leave you, constantly aware of your body and trying to hide it, and guilty for keeping a secret. When we hold onto secrets like these, it’s nearly impossible to think about anything else. Every time someone uses the wrong pronoun, you want to scream and correct them, but that would give it away. People talk about your future with a certain him/her and you want to cease the cringe with a hearty “THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN,” but then the secret is out. Keeping something that informs people of our very identity a secret weighs heavily on us, but the accompanying fear, shame, guilt, and worry can keep it hidden.
Coming Out
Coming out of the proverbial “closet” is making your sexual orientation and/or gender identity known to anyone aside from yourself. Much like I stated above, coming out also has no timeline or guidebook on how/when/to whom to come out. It really has to do with one’s own comfortability and trust. Coming out requires the utmost courage. While coming out can bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it can also bring those of elation and relief.
Before coming out, there is–at least in my case–this buildup of emotion. The palms start to sweat. The heart rate rises. The stomach knots. The throat gets tight. Will they look at me differently? Will they hate me? Will they support me? Will they still love me?
When I came out as a lesbian (at 15 years old), I was forced out of the closet. My mother, sister, and I were driving home from a nice trip to the mall. I couldn’t tell you what we were fighting about. But my sister decided that was the time she was going to out me (even though I had not come out to her yet). A little harsh for a retaliation–in my opinion–but what happened happened, and I couldn’t change it. My mother did not talk to me for a week straight. If anyone knows me nowadays, they know that my mother is a huge part of my life. Her reaction broke my heart.
Luckily, when I came out as transgender nine years later, I had my own apartment to go back to; when I told my mother, she kicked me out of her house. She said to me, “You already like girls; isn’t that enough?” No, mom. It’s not enough. I had spent my entire life pretending to be someone I am not. I have kept hidden my very being. So, I left. My sister (from the above coming out story) decided to have my back this time, and said to my mother, “You’ve known for 10 minutes; he has known his entire life. Imagine how he feels.” My mother called me and told me to come back home. Thanks, sis. We talked about how she doesn’t want to lose her child and I assured her that I am still the same person, I would just look and sound different. My then-fiancee of a five-year relationship left me because she likes women, not men, but my mother and sister (the two most important people to me) accepted me as I am. In fact, when I came out to my sister, her response was “I know.” Well, that one was easy, and my anxiety had built up for nothing. I’m not mad. What a relief. The weight was lifted off my shoulders and, while I got some lashback from my mother, coming out made me feel so much lighter. I am now referred to with pride as a brother and a son, and my relationship with these two lovely women has never been stronger than it is today–and gets stronger with each passing day.
Although my coming out story ended in a positive way, not all circumstances of my gender expression went well. I’ve heard the slurs and threats. I’ve been attacked in public men’s restrooms. I’ve been treated unfairly by employers. I’ve been rejected by long-term friends and family.
Coming out can lead to the happiness and relief that I felt, but it can also end up in more devastating experiences. In fact, 39% of 2SLGBTQIA+ young people reported seriously considering suicide in the last year. Of that 39%, 49% were transgender. More than 1 in 10 2SLGBTQIA+ young people attempted suicide in the last year. That’s in addition to the nearly 50% of 2SLGBTQIA+ youth who experienced bullying that led to suicidal ideation and a higher rate of attempts.
The 2SLGBTQIA+ community is a minority one. I think we all know, at least from grade school, that if you don’t fit in, life is more difficult. But we cannot stay hidden forever. Secretively being ourselves behind closed closet doors is not enough. We need to be ourselves as much as we can, to be as comfortable as we can, to live life to the fullest as we can. Anyone and everyone in this community has all my respect. We’ve seen hate crimes against gay, lesbian, transgender, etc. people all around the world, but there is still motivation, need, desire, and courage to be our authentic selves in a world that has the capability of being dangerous, spiteful, and traumatic. That is not to say that you should come out right away and life will get so much better as soon as you do, but rather take all the possibilities into consideration and come out when you feel comfortable to do so. Maybe start with someone who is an ally to the community. A best friend, possibly. A trusted adult. Or even an anonymous support group. Plan what you want to say beforehand, and consider alternate methods of communication, like texting or calling. Coming out is a highly individualized process and should be done on your terms.
Acceptance
Many 2SLGBTQIA+ individuals face discrimination, prejudice, and stigma because of their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. Because of this, self-acceptance can be extremely difficult. Low self-acceptance is linked with adverse mental health outcomes. Brene Brown states that “true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” So many folks in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community are longing for that belonging–where they feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves, like they have people similar to them, who will back them up. I am reminded of the ballroom scene, where people are often accepted into “houses” by a head of household who has “children” living with them, and they live with a chosen family that accepts them as they are. Furthermore, participating in ball culture leads these individuals to find even more people who have similar lived experiences, not to mention trophies and prizes for voguing the house down.
I did a thing. I have always been a fan of drag. And I have always been immersed in drag shows when I go to them. So, I decided to try it out for myself for just one night. I didn’t know how it would go, so I didn’t invite my friends or family there to see me. I went on stage as myself, impersonating a woman in uncomfortable heels and makeup that made me want to wash my face five times over. But that didn’t matter. I did my number to “Toxic” by Britney Spears, and was met with the most warm and embracing cheers of acceptance that I have ever felt. For one night, Miss Diagnosed™ existed and felt amazing. Body image issues? What are those? Social anxiety? Who ever heard of such a thing? Self-consciousness? Forget about it. I was one with the crowd. I was amongst my people. I had to fight back tears of joy because of how welcome, understood, and cherished I felt. I had the time of my life and realized that, you know what? I’m the shit. And so are you.
No matter what you’re going through on your journey to self-acceptance, you are not alone. Others are going through the same and/or similar experiences. There are people out there who inherently care about you. There are resources to help you along the way. We have to find comfort in knowing that we are being our whole, genuine, authentic, unedited, raw selves. And that’s more that can be said for a lot of the human race. Self-acceptance is not something that comes easily to many, but once you have it, it is an indescribable feeling unlike any other. Remember that you have the support of this community. Remember that you are beautiful, no matter your physical form. Remember that you have infinite worth. You are allowed to take up space. You deserve to feel joy. Your past does not define your future. You are uniquely the only you that exists.
YOU. ARE. VALID.
Resources
There are many resources available for support within the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. Below are some 2SLGBTQIA+ friendly resources you can use if you or a friend need support with your journey and/or mental health:
The Trevor Project – The Trevor Project provides lifesaving and life-affirming services to LGBTQ+ young people.
AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) – The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is a voluntary health organization that gives those affected by suicide a nationwide community empowered by research, education and advocacy to take action against this leading cause of death.
GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) – As a dynamic media force, GLAAD tackles tough issues to shape the narrative and provoke dialogue that leads to cultural change.
HRC (Human Rights Campaign) – HRC’s campaigns are focused on mobilizing those who envision a world strengthened by diversity, where our laws and society treat all people equally, including LGBTQ+ people and those who are multiply marginalized.
It Gets Better – It Gets Better is a nonprofit organization with a mission to uplift, empower, and connect LGBTQ+ youth around the world.
Trans Lifeline – Trans Lifeline provides trans peer support for our community that’s been divested from police since day one. We’re run by and for trans people.
Linked Mentoring – Linked Mentoring strives to create transformative mentorship opportunities where LGBTQ+ young people are invited to explore their passions, agency, and personhood alongside an intergenerational community.
Trans Student Educational Resources – Trans Student Educational Resources is a youth-led organization dedicated to transforming the educational environment for trans and gender non-conforming students through advocacy and empowerment. Founded in 2011, it is the only national organization led by trans youth.
